Every once in a while, a miracle happens: a group of smart, hard-working software people latch onto a group of customers with unmet needs, and wonderful things take place.
Once things get up a head of steam and it becomes obvious that good things are happening, the vultures start circling. "That's an inappropriate metaphor!" you might exclaim. "Vultures feed on dead animals, not ones that are alive and well." OK, I concede the point. "Vampires" would be a better metaphor, because everyone knows that vampires attack the young and healthy and turn them into unfeeling parasites like themselves. Let's compromise: when there's great software happening, the vampires start circling.
The vampire/vultures tend to be older than the programmers actually doing the work. Regardless of the facts, they like to complain about things like the lack of order, the lack of predictability, and the lack of control. They ALWAYS find lots of evidence that these supposedly indispensible things are missing. Things are moving quickly and the business is growing quickly, so of course the vampire/vultures find all sorts of evidence that the business, as currently "organized," isn't "scalable." Things may be going OK now, but we have just been lucky! There's too much at stake to leave our future to chance. We need some "experienced, senior" managers to assure the future of our important business.
What happens next is simply awful. I've seen it too many times. I know all the script variations. But let's skip past the mayhem to the final stage, which can reasonably be called "the inmates are in charge."
The Inmates are in Charge
There are sure signs that the inmates are in charge. When this happens, you may as well put this sign over the entry door of your office: "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here."
Following is a sample list of the reasonable-sounding things that people say in this horrible place, each followed by the reality.
“After you work a certain number of hours, your efficiency simply goes down. You can’t concentrate as well."
Everyone slips out starting at 4 p.m. Which would be OK if they hadn't wandered in around 10am.
“This pushing to make unreasonable deadlines just exhausts everyone. They fight with each other, don’t get any better results, and then, after, everyone is so beat that nothing gets done for weeks.”
Deadlines get established so far in the future that earthquakes, floods and fires can take place, and they can still be met. The meaning of the word “deadline” evolves from “I’ll make it or die trying” to “a dead person could meet the target.”
“People who do nothing but work are unpleasant, narrow, one-dimensional people. They don’t work well in teams, and before long they just crack up and become unproductive anyway.”
HR people start roaming the halls at 4 p.m. suggesting that people go home and spend more time with their families. Anyone who seems stressed is invited to take a week’s vacation.
“Our products are sophisticated, complex pieces of technology. It takes a long time to understand everything. It’s hard to find enough experienced people to do the work.”
The “go along to get along” people are promoted and salaries of senior people advance rapidly.
“There is a huge amount of value in the intellectual property we have built up here over the years and embodied in our people and processes.”
Suggestions for change are rejected without serious consideration.
“Rodney isn’t really a team player. He makes other people uncomfortable, and sometimes says things that make other people feel bad. He’s bad for morale.”
Rodney is smart, hard-working and wants to build a great product. But he doesn’t fit in well, and is asked to look elsewhere for employment.
“Our customers have come to depend on our reliability and commitment to quality. We have to continue to pay attention to what we do, and continue to do it extremely well.”
Don’t bother suggesting doing more, working in parallel, or getting things out more quickly.
“Our customers don’t have the money to chase after every cool-sounding new idea that comes along, most of which fail anyway. They depend on us to incorporate new technology for them once it actually becomes useful and proven.”
We will continue to defend our approach, using words like “practical” and “proven,” even after it has become dead-and-buried obsolete.
AARRRRGGGHHH! Get me out of here!!!
Conclusion
Thankfully, not all great software efforts follow this tragic script. But here's something I've learned: when things are going well in software terms, there are always vultures and/or vampires eager to attack and do their awful worst. Constant diligence is required to keep them frustrated and hungry.
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